All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
