Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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