I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
