i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
