And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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