so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
