I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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