Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Less talking, more tequila
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
