i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
