david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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