awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just gargled with NyQuil
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
