Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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