Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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