he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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