Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
