why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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