who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
