So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
