There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
