i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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