My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
