so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
