this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
