five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
