so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
