He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
