There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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