Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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