dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Even my vagina gasped.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
