Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
