When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
