I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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