Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
