Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
