he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
