2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
