Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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