Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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