he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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