I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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