Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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