Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
