I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
high people should be assigned attendants
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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