Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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