So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You may now shotgun with the bride
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
