Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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