I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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