So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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