He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
organizing the empties. That sober.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
