I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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