My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
