Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
