Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
