I think I died a long time ago.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
